(lively music) ♪ Welcome.

Thank you.

♪ Welcome to our show.

You sweethearts.

Ugh, we have a terrific show for you tonight.

Aside from our regulars Harvey Korman, Lyle Waggoner and Vicki Lawrence, our special guests are Valerie Harper and Tim Conway.

(audience applauding) Let's turn up the lights, see if y'all want to say anything before we get started.

Yes?

(girl #1) What character do you like to play best in the show?

What character do I like to play best in the show?

Well, I haven't done her yet but I'm working on her, Elizabeth Taylor.

(laughing) Yes, the Girl Scouts there, yes?

(Christy) I'd like to know, what's your favorite Girl Scout cookies?

(Carol) What's my favorite Girl Scout cookies?

Well, what kind are they?

What choice to I have?

Are they like chocolate or vanilla or what?

(Christy) Yeah, Cocoa-fudge, Chocolate and vanilla, Scot-Teas, Savannah and Thin Mints.

Savannah!

Bring them up, do you have some?

Come on up!

Okay.

(applauding) Hi, what's your name?

-Vicky.

-You're Vicky and you are?

-Christy.

-Christy and you are?

-Susan.

-Susan.

And how many-- You've got all these boxes of Girl Scout cookies, how much are they?

-A dollar.

-They're a dollar?

(laughing) You got some money?

We knew you were gonna be here so here's 20 bucks, okay, there you go.

(audience clapping) Okay, don't go away, we'll be right back.

(upbeat music) (male narrator) From Television City in Hollywood... ♪ ...it's The Carol Burnett Show with Harvey Korman.

♪ Vicki Lawrence and Lyle Waggoner ♪ (energetic music) ♪ (knocking) (Mr. Font) Entrée.

(applauding) (Producer) Mr. Font, we just got word that your leading lady had a sudden attack of appendicitis, she's in the hospital.

(Mr. Font) Really, the poor darling, that's ghastly!

(Producer) But I got a replacement.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

She's a terrific little actress, and international star and a very good friend of mine.

(clicking) (Mr. Font) You say, yes but the curtain goes up in five minutes and we've never rehearsed.

-Does she know the play?

-Hey, I'm not known as the world's greatest producer for nothing.

She's been in my hotel room for months.

Reading the script.

(clicking) You know what I mean.

-Yes, I know what you mean.

-What do I mean?

Don't worry about it.

You're gonna be terrific, baby, and so is she.

(laughing) I hate producers.

(drum rolls) (trumpet music) ♪ (audience applauding) (Randolph) Nadine, it is I, your precious husband, I'm home.

(phone ringing) I'll get it, my precious.

Hello?

Yes, hello, Doctor.

Have you gotten the results yet on my wife's tests?

What?

You say she's taken a turn for the worse?

What, she may go at any moment?

No, no, I'm not surprised, she's been getting weaker every day.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're very kind.

(laughing) Nadine, my fragile, broken little blossom.

Nadine?

(upbeat music) ♪ (Nadine) Woo-hoo!

Woo!

Hello, Randolph, you are late.

I was getting worried about you.

Goochie-goochie.

Woo!

Whoa!

(Randolph) How are you feeling, my dear?

(Nadine) Oh, I have to stay in bed all day.

Hey, wait a minute, why you laugh?

I say something naughty?

(Randolph) Nadine.

You're looking... You're looking a little weak, my darling.

Why don't you sit down, dear.

(Nadine) Oh, yes, I am so tired.

I can hardly move a muscle.

Woo!

-Oh, Nadine.

-Oh, hey, mister, you better watch out.

My boyfriend is the producer of this show.

He is in the wings and he is very jealous of me.

But maybe you and me after the show, huh?

Arriba!

(drums) (audience laughing) (Randolph) Stick to the script.

I think I have to make myself a drink, dear.

(Nadine) Oh, I get it for you, yes!

(Randolph) No, no, you're too weak, dear, you sit down.

-I'll get it.

-Let go, wait a minute!

Why you push me down?

You don't do that!

I don't like that.

(speaking another language) Do you understand, if I say, "I'm gonna get you that drink" I get you the drink, you understand English?

(Randolph) Yes.

Darling, Nadine... (rhythmic music) ♪ (Nadine) Hey not bad for a gringo!

(Randolph) Wait!

(Nadine) Woo!

(Randolph) Sit down on the couch, Nadine.

You need your rest.

(Nadine) Rest, rest, rest.

Why do I have to rest all the time?

(laughing) (Randolph) My darling, I didn't want to tell you but I'm afraid I have to tell you the truth now.

You're dying.

(Nadine) I'm not dying, the peoples love me.

Don't you love me, huh, people?

Let's go, woo, woo, woo, woo!

You see?

They love me.

-I'm not dying.

-Sh.

If you die, I shall kill myself.

I told you already, stupido, I'm not dying!

(Randolph) The doctor just told me on the phone.

(Nadine) You talk funny.

He talk funny, don't he talk funny?

(Randolph) Sh!

You're gonna die, my darling, the doctor just told me.

(Nadine) The doctor told you I'm going to die?

No, you got it all mixed up.

You see, I go to this specialist in Milano.

He gives me a blood test and I am not going to die.

The rabbit, she is something else.

Woo!

Woo, one for the rabbit, woo!

(Randolph) That's the spirit, Nadine.

You're so brave and I'm so weak.

I tell you, without you I won't be the same.

If you die I shall kill myself!

(Nadine) Oh, don't you worry audience.

It's not a real gun.

It is a fake.

There is a man in the back and he make a big boom.

But it's not real, so don't you be worried.

-It's all-- -Nadine!

Somebody's going to get hurt if you don't do the lines of the play, the way they were written.

Now act or I'll kill you.

(Nadine) Act or you kill me?

(Randolph) Sh!

(Nadine) Oh, darling--ha?

Oh, darling, why is everything getting so dark?

-Oh, Nadine.

-Oh, I can hardly see you.

-Oh, Nadine.

-Ah, please remember -that I always loved you.

-Oh, Nadine!

(Nadine) I think--Oh, oh, I think my time has come.

Woo!

Woo!

Woo-woo-woo!

(Randolph) She's gone.

She was so lovely.

So tender.

So refined.

Oh, my darling, I shall miss you.

I'll never forget the first time we met.

You were with your old beau, what was his name?

(Nadine) Aldonto Fonzo.

(Randolph) I loved you, I loved you from the very start.

I knew you were mine from the first moment I saw you.

I wooed you and finally won you!

You are my wife and now--and now... You're gone.

Oh, my darling, good bye.

One last little--ew.

I can't take it!

I can't take it, I can't live without you!

This would be easier to bear.

Good bye, my darling!

(Nadine) Boy, this is some dumb way to end a play, huh?

Everybody is so sad.

Hey, I make you happy again.

I sing for you.

Come on, get up.

(energetic music) ♪ Ay-ay-ay!

(Randolph) Stop, you idiot, stop!

♪ (audience applauding) Hey, audience, we've got a real big surprise and treat for you.

And the treat for you tonight is a marvelous young actress who has won two Emmys.

She plays Rhoda on the wonderful Mary Tyler Moore Show, Ms. Valerie Harper, woo!

(audience applauding) (rhythmic music) ♪ ♪ I've been crying and my-oh-my-in ♪ ♪ Since he's been gone ♪ ♪ But I've done some thinking ♪ ♪ And it's starting to sink in ♪ ♪ That life goes on ♪ ♪ ♪ So if you're somebody who's feeling sorry for yourself ♪ ♪ Better sing along ♪ ♪ 'Cause this is gonna be ♪ ♪ The last blues song ♪ ♪ Now a little bitty fit of self-pity ♪ ♪ Can really sing ♪ ♪ But it keeps on growing ♪ ♪ And you know woe-woe-in' don't change a thing ♪ ♪ So if you're a person who's hooked on hurting ♪ ♪ On yourself, better sing along ♪ ♪ ♪ Cause this is gonna be ♪ ♪ The last blues song ♪ ♪ ♪ Woe, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe my oh my ♪ ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ I'm fit to die ♪ ♪ ♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, please don't go ♪ ♪ ♪ Papa, I think I'm getting high ♪ ♪ On feeling low woe-woe woe-woe ♪ ♪ Woe-woe ♪ ♪ ♪ The night grows colder ♪ ♪ Suddenly, you're older ♪ ♪ ♪ I get the blues when it rains ♪ ♪ ♪ Oh, I ain't got nobody ♪ ♪ ♪ Why was I born?

♪ ♪ Oh, why am I living?

♪ ♪ So all you losers, you fulltime bluesers ♪ ♪ Get out of bed ♪ ♪ ♪ Don't you go and give in ♪ ♪ Don't you give up on living before you're dead ♪ ♪ ♪ Come on now brother, if you've been mothering yourself ♪ ♪ Better sing along ♪ ♪ Cause this is gonna be ♪ ♪ ♪ This is gonna be ♪ ♪ The last blues song ♪ ♪ ♪ Last blues song ♪ (audience applauding) Nowadays, everyone talks about nostalgia and the good old days when we were kids.

Well, let's face it, those days weren't always happy and carefree.

There were times when being a teenager could be quite painful.

Like the time, years ago, when you had your first blind date.

(flute music) ♪ (waves crashing) (Gloria) Maxine, come on!

You're dragging your wagon.

Ugh, by the time I drag you to this blind date we'll have to split, now come on.

(Maxine) I mean, suppose he thinks I'm a creep.

Suppose he only likes pretty girls.

(Gloria) Maxine, you have nothing to worry about tonight.

-You really think so?

-Sure, it's dark out.

(sobbing) No, no, what I mean is you look very pretty -in the moonlight.

-Oh, I don't know why I let you drag me here -in the first place.

-Oh, come on.

(Maxine) It's cold outside and it's damp and my sinuses are acting up and they're just gonna get worse.

(sniffling) (Gloria) Will you stop that?

We'll be attacked by seals.

(audience laughing) (Steve) ♪ No day like today ♪ ♪ I pass the time away ♪ ♪ Writing love letters in the sand ♪ ♪ Do-op, do-op, do-op, do-op ♪ Hey, shrimpo, what do you say?

(audience clapping) (Merrill) I don't know about this, Steve.

Gosh, I don't know what to do on a date.

(Steve) Oh, you square head, it will be kicks!

First you hand her a line then you get her all revved up!

-Oh, well, then what?

-Then... You know what I mean?

(Merrill) Poke her in the ribs?

(Steve) You just watch the way I operate with Gloria.

(Merrill) Okay, well, I'll keep my flashlight on yah.

(Steve) No!

You don't a flashlight.

All you need is a blanket, some rock and roll and lots of luck!

Hey, there are the chicks now.

-Now act cool.

-Oh.

-Here they come.

-I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to stand this night, I'm so nervous.

(laughing) -Hi, Steve.

-Hi, baby.

(Gloria) This is my girlfriend, Maxine.

(Steve) And this is Merrill.

-Hello.

-Hi.

(Steve) Boy, they hit it off great!

Come on, see yah later, alligator.

(Merrill) No, there's crocodiles.

-Sure is a nice night, huh?

-Yeah.

(Gloria) Hey, you sure are a smooth talker.

(audience cackling) (Merrill) Well--well.

Hey, you wanna sit down and talk?

(Maxine) Oh, okay, but I feel a little silly.

(Merrill) So do I.

-You know what?

-What?

(Merrill) This is my first date.

(Maxine) This is my second.

(Merrill) Oh, how'd the first one go?

(Maxine) I don't know, he never showed up.

(chuckling) -Let's sit down.

-Oh, gosh, okay.

Excuse me.

Boy, nice night.

(spraying) Hey.

Boy, that's keen smelling perfume.

-What is that?

-Well, it's citronella.

It keeps the sand flees off.

Boy, I think I got a few of them already.

(Merrill) I think you got rid of a few of them.

(Maxine) Would you excuse me for a minute, please.

Pst, Gloria.

Gloria, I don't think this is working out.

(Gloria) Snuggle up to him.

Make him put his arm around you.

(Maxine) Well, how do I do that?

(Gloria) Tell him you're cold.

(Maxine) Okay.

(audience chuckling) Burr, I'm cold.

I certainly wish I had something around me.

(sniffling) (Merrill) Hi, Steve.

Ugh, look my date's a little cold.

I'm gonna run her home.

(Steve) Hey, she's not cold, you dick.

She's got the hot for yah.

She's just hinting for you to put your arms around her and you know what that means.

(Merrill) Yeah, more sand flees.

(audience laughing) Um, you mind if I put my arm around you?

(Maxine) No, not at all.

(Merrill) Can I borrow your citronella first?

(spraying) -Is that better?

-Oh, yeah, that's neat.

-Mind if I try for two?

-Oh, no.

(laughing) -Oh, Merrill.

-Oh, baby.

(Maxine) Oh, Merrill.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Gloria, Gloria.

(Gloria) What do you want now?

(Maxine) What comes after "Oh, Merrill?"

(Gloria) Look, stop--stop bothering me.

Just go, just do what I'm doing.

(Maxine) Oh, no, I don't think I could do that.

(Gloria) I'm telling yah, that's what you have to do.

(Maxine) Okay, excuse me.

(Gloria) No, no!

Maxine, with him!

(Maxine) Oh, I'm sorry.

Gloria, Gloria?

-What, what?

-Thanks, thanks.

(Merrill) Hey, Steve!

(Steve) Oh, get out of here.

(Merrill) What do I do after I blow in her ear?

(Steve) Oh, go away will you?

You're as dumb as she is.

(Gloria) Wait, are you calling her dumb?

(Steve) Yeah, I'm calling--She's the dumbest of the dumbs.

(Gloria) She happens to be my very best friend.

(Steve) Yeah, well, then you're not very bright either.

(Gloria) Ugh, I thought you loved me for my mind!

(Steve) Your mind?

You've gotta be kidding.

(Gloria) Oh!

You--you creep!

(Steve) Oh, my beautiful hair!

-Oh, Merrill, Merrill!

-Maxine, Maxine!

Come on, Maxine.

(Maxine) I'm just getting the hang of it!

(Steve) Oh, you couldn't get the hang of anything.

You're the dumbest jerk I ever saw in my life.

(Gloria) Oh, when it comes to dumb jerks there's no one dumb or jerkier than he is.

(Maxine) Well, I am not going to stand around here -and be insulted like that!

-Right.

(Maxine) Come on, Merrill, let's go to your place!

(Merrill) Yeah!

♪ On a day like today..♪ (indistinct arguing) (dramatic music) ♪ Hello, fire department?

Reginald Worthington at Manor Drive.

I called twice and no one's come yet.

Yes, it's still in my garage but it's beginning to spread.

If they don't come soon all of my precious antiques will go up in flames!

What, you say you sent a firetruck 90 minutes ago?

Well, it couldn't take anyone that long to get-- Thank goodness, they've arrived.

(firetruck sirens) Hurry, in here.

Hurry.

(glass shattering) (audience laughing) (applauding) Hurry, you've got to hurry in here.

(glass shattering) Hurry!

Hurry.

(fireman) I'll save ya!

(Reginald) But you don't need the ladder, I'm on the first floor.

(fireman) You're that high?

Oh, I'll never make it.

(Reginald) Hurry, will you, the fire is spreading.

Hurry.

(fireman) I'll be there.

-That's my job.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Hurry will you, I have a lot of antiques -and valuables in there.

-I can imagine you would.

-Yes.

-All right, I'll be right there.

(Reginald) Hurry.

(laughing) (glass shattering) Never mind about that, never mind.

The fire.

-I need my ladder.

-Yes.

(fireman) Put it right there.

You wanna hold her.

All right, hold her, I'm coming down.

Okay.

(Reginald) Are you all right?

(fireman) Leg cramp.

-All right, right.

-Right, put out the fire.

-I'll get her for ya!

-All right, hurry.

(fireman) Uh.

Eh.

Ah.

(Reginald) W--what's the matter?

(fireman) If you've slid down as many poles as I have you'd be chafed too.

(Reginald) Hurry, it's right there.

-What, what is it?

-There's a fire in here.

(Reginald) I know, hurry, hurry!

(fireman) All right, don't worry.

I'll just sound the alarm and they'll be here in a moment.

-What, what?

-Break the alarm.

(Reginald) No, don't, don't!

(clock dinging) (fireman) All right, I'll be here any minute now.

(Reginald) That was a priceless antique, you idiot!

Hurry, the smoke is spreading, hurry before they reach my valuables.

-Valuables.

-Yes.

(fireman) No, we're saving human life first and then the valuables.

(laughing) Here we go.

(Reginald) Will you stop that!

(fireman) I told you to hold on!

(Reginald) You're no help, old man.

Where's the rest of the fire department?

-I am the fire department.

-You?

(fireman) That's right, Flames Firemen on the Sun City Hook and Ladder Company.

I love my work.

That's why they call me the happy hooker.

(audience cackling) -Look, hurry, will you?

-Don't worry.

I've been in all the big ones, don't worry, I was at the Chicago fire.

Had a cow kick over a lantern there -and then-- -We don't have any time.

(fireman) All those flames then spread down to Saint Louis then they kind of went its way down to Mississippi.

Then finally ended up in New Orleans, if I recall.

Then... And then that's when jazz was born.

(piano music) (Reginald) Wake up, will you!

Hurry, hurry, the flames!

-All right, don't worry.

-Get to it.

(fireman) Don't get excited, all right, now everybody stand back.

-Get out of the way.

-All right.

(fireman) I'm gonna have to chop this down-- (Reginald) I don't care, just get to those valuables.

(fireman) One more time.

(audience laughing) (Reginald) You've destroyed an 18th century bibelot.

-Sorry.

-Hurry.

Why are you doing that?

(glass shattering) -It's coming!

-Oh, you're right.

(Reginald) Hurry--Ugh, ah.

(choking) Smoke inhalation.

I need a... -I'm suffocating.

-I'll get it for you.

-Don't worry.

-Help me.

-I'm suffocating.

-Okay.

-Help, I can't breathe.

-I'll give you artificial respiration.

(Reginald) Ugh, I can't breathe.

(fireman) Arti--arti--artichoke.

-Here is it.

-Hurry, hurry.

(fireman) Ugly thing.

Roll over.

All right.

I can do it, let's see now.

Okay.

(audience laughing) I understand.

Looks like you're gonna be all right.

You're starting to get some color in your cheeks.

(Reginald) Ugh, I can't breathe.

I'm choking, I need oxygen.

I need oxygen, hurry.

Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

It's the only way.

(laughing) -Hurry.

-All righty.

Can't just jump in to something like this.

-Don't jump in.

-I don't really know yah.

(spraying) (Reginald) Hurry.

♪ I touch your lips and all at once the sparks go higher ♪ ♪ I know I must surrender to your kiss of fire ♪ -Hurry, hurry.

-All right, I'm going.

(fast-paced breaths) (laughing) (fireman) Where are you from?

(laughing) I hope you'll be gentle when you talk about... (lively music) ♪ (male narrator) And now back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

(uplifting music) (indistinct chattering) ♪ (light clapping) ♪ (woman #1) The worst.

You know, I just don't know where the day goes.

(woman #2) Ugh, that's so true, I mean there's simply are not enough hours to do what one must.

Don't you agree, Margot?

(Margot) Yes, not enough.

(woman #1) Oh, and tomorrow is the Alumni Fundraising Luncheon.

Don't some of the grads look old.

(Margot) Some of them feel old.

(woman #2) Speaking of looking old, girls, I saw Kay the other day.

She thinks she's hosting the Mayor's Charity Affair.

-Aw.

-Well, she doesn't have -a prayer.

-No.

(woman #2) Of course, I didn't have the heart to tell her.

(Margot) But you did.

(woman #2) Well, it's better that she knows now.

(woman #1) Oh, of course, yes, that last luncheon she gave was an absolute disaster.

(orchestral music) ♪ (Margot) I'd like to propose a toast.

♪ ♪ Here's to the ladies who lunch ♪ ♪ Everybody laugh ♪ ♪ ♪ Lounging in their caftans and planning a brunch ♪ ♪ On their own behalf ♪ ♪ ♪ Of to the gym ♪ ♪ Then to a fitting ♪ ♪ Claiming they're fat ♪ ♪ ♪ And looking grim 'cause they've been sitting ♪ ♪ Choosing a hat ♪ ♪ Does anyone still wear a hat ♪ ♪ ♪ I'll drink to that ♪ ♪ Here's to the girls who play smart ♪ ♪ Aren't they a gas?

♪ ♪ ♪ Rushing to their classes in optical art ♪ ♪ Wishing it would pass ♪ ♪ ♪ Another long, exhausting day ♪ ♪ Another thousand dollars ♪ ♪ A matinee, a Pinter play ♪ ♪ Perhaps a piece of Mahler's♪ ♪ I'll drink to that ♪ ♪ ♪ And one for Mahler ♪ ♪ ♪ Here's to the girls who play wife ♪ ♪ Aren't they too much?

♪ ♪ ♪ Keeping house but clutching a copy of Life ♪ ♪ Just to keep in touch ♪ ♪ ♪ The ones who follow the rules ♪ ♪ And meet themselves at the schools ♪ ♪ Too busy to know that they're fools ♪ ♪ Aren't they a gem?

♪ ♪ I'll drink to them ♪ ♪ Let's all drink to them ♪ ♪ (indistinct chattering) ♪ ♪ And here's to the girls who just watch ♪ ♪ Aren't they the best?

♪ ♪ When they get depressed it's a bottle of scotch ♪ ♪ Plus a little jest ♪ ♪ ♪ Another chance to disapprove ♪ ♪ Another brilliant zinger ♪ ♪ ♪ Another reason not to move ♪ ♪ Another vodka stinger ♪ ♪ I'll drink to that ♪ ♪ ♪ So here's to the girls on the go ♪ ♪ Everybody tries ♪ ♪ ♪ Look into their eyes and you'll see what they know ♪ ♪ Everybody dies ♪ ♪ A toast to that invincible bunch ♪ ♪ ♪ The dinosaur surviving the crunch ♪ ♪ ♪ Let's hear it for the ladies who lunch ♪ ♪ Everybody rise ♪ ♪ Rise, ♪ ♪ Rise, rise ♪ ♪ Rise, rise, rise, rise ♪ ♪ Rise ♪ (audience applauding) (male narrator) As The Stomach Turns.

The last we left Canoga Falls, Marian was having coffee with her troubled friend, David.

(Marian) More coffee, troubled friend, David?

(David) Oh, no thank you, Marian.

I came to you because I have a problem but I can't talk about it.

(Marian) Oh, you poor dear.

Perhaps it would help you if I put my arms around you and let you rest your head against my shoulder like this.

(David) It doesn't make any difference.

(Marian) Oh, it does to me.

(David) All right, Marian, if you must know.

My problem is, I'm deathly afraid of women.

(dramatic music) (Marian) Oh, you poor dear.

Well you certainly came to the right person.

(David) Oh, Marian, it's terrible, just terrible.

You can't imagine what I have to go through.

I know, let me show you what it's like when I'm with a woman.

(Marian) Oh, show me, show me, yes.

(David) All right, now let's say... That this lamp is a woman.

Well, can't you pretend that I'm the woman?

(David) I'd rather stick with the lamp.

(Marian) David, David, don't you understand, she's not for you.

David, come with me, I'm sure I can help you.

-Really?

-Now then, more coffee, -poor troubled David?

-Oh, no thank you, Marian, if I had anymore coffee I'd be up all night.

(Marian) Oh.

(audience laughing) David, David, let me put it this way.

Oh, darn, the doorbell.

(David) I didn't hear a doorbell.

(doorbell ringing) (Marian) You're right, I didn't hear one either.

-Marian.

-Oh, all right.

Now don't forget where I was.

♪ Why, it's Rhonda Blabbit, Canoga Falls ace gossip columnist.

Um, Rhonda, I can't see you now.

I'm a little busy.

(Rhonda) Never too busy for this exclusive.

Which two socialites have been living in sin right above Harry's Delicatessen?

(Marian) George and Rita?

(Rhonda) Oh, thank you, I didn't know that.

(Marian) Rhonda, really, I'm busy now.

-I think maybe you better... -Oh, first, here's a newsflash.

It seems that a famous Canoga Falls couple has been enjoying hanky-panky at the Bim Bam Boom Motel.

This couple, let's call them John Rogers and Mary Peterson.

-Why call them that?

-Because that's their names.

-It seems that John-- -Tune in tomorrow for more -of Rhoda's mouth.

-Oh, Marian?

(Marian) Yes, dear, David?

(Rhonda) Uh, excuse me, what are you two whispering about?

(Marian) Well, you see, he doesn't want anyone to know that he's deathly afraid of women.

♪ (Rhonda) Oh, don't worry, David.

I do have professional integrity.

I would never say anything that would hurt you.

-Oh, thank you.

-How do you spell "sissy?"

(Marian) Get out.

I'm terribly sorry, David.

Now then, where were we?

Oh, yes, now, David, you must put yourself in my hands.

Dadgummit!

Oh, for goodness sakes, Rhonda.

Can't you keep out of... (Rivka) Hello, Marian, how's Trix?

Why, if it isn't Rivka Beth, the town naughty lady.

Who helps lonely men in the night and sometimes after lunch too.

(door slamming) (knocking) (Rivka) Let me in, Marian, please let me in.

-Who's that?

-Oh, it's just the wind.

David, your mind is playing tricks on you.

Why don't you just go upstairs and take a cold shower.

Oh, better yet, in your condition take a hot shower.

(knocking) All right!

(Rivka) Marian, Marian, I'm such a tortured soul.

Oh, do you mind if I sit down?

(Marian) Yeah, really, I'd rather you didn't.

(Rivka) You're right, you're right.

I'm much too upset to sit.

Oh, Marian, you're so thoughtful.

My goodness, can I have some coffee?

-No.

-Oh, Marian, bless you.

Bless you for your understanding.

Marian, it's horrible.

All these years I've been doing these dreadful things for so long.

-So long.

-Yeah, so long, Rivka Beth.

(Rivka) Marian, you're a true friend, a true friend.

I promise you from now on for me, it will be the straight and narrow.

(David) Marian, I can't find the soap.

Oh, talk about yah straight and narrow.

(Marian) Um, David, I'd like you to meet Rivka Beth, -the town naughty lady.

-Hello.

(Rivka) I read about you in Rhonda Blabbit's column.

I hear you're deathly afraid of women, huh?

(David) Oh, that's a thing of the past.

Marian has found an answer to my problem.

(Marian) Oh, I have?

What is it?

-Her.

-Oh, no, David.

No, don't be foolish, why, she'll only hurt you.

(David) I can't believe that.

(steaming) -Now, would I lie to you?

-Marian, you were right.

I don't want you anymore, naughty lady.

(Marian) Gee, I really feel bad, Rivka Beth.

This must be a terrible blow to your professional pride.

(Rivka) Not at all, Marian.

This is just the rejection I needed to show me the error of my ways.

Now I must repent.

Oh, what can I do?

(Marian) Well, why don't you become a nun?

(Rivka) That's a good idea, I will.

(Marian) Well, you know, it won't be easy.

You're telling me.

I'm Jewish.

Bless yous all.

(audience applauding) (Marian) David, she's gone now, you can come down.

(David) Oh, but I'm not dressed.

(Marian) Oh, in that case I'll come right up.

Dadgummit!

Who could that be?

(audience cackling) Why, it's Mother Marcus, Canoga Falls freelance yenta.

(Mother Marcus) Hello, Marian, how are you?

(Marian) Hello, Mother Marcus, and how are things with you?

-Oh, don't ask.

-I won't.

(Mother Marcus) I'll tell you anyways.

No thank you, dear, I'll have a nice glass of tea.

Oy, the aggravation I have with my children.

It would be so simple for my daughter to pick up a phone and call me.

(Marian) But your daughter lives with you.

(Mother Marcus) You see how simple it would be.

(Marian) Oh, Mother Marcus, I really do feel sorry for you that you're having such trouble with your daughter.

(Mother Marcus) My daughter, she's a pussy cat.

(Marian) She's a what?

(Mother Marcus) A... You don't understand English?

She's a pussy cat compared to my son.

-Your son?

-My son.

The things he says, the things he does.

One of these days he'll break my heart.

-Mommy!

-Oy, Oy!

Oy, this is the day!

-David, David.

-Wait!

There's something I've got to say into your ears.

(male narrator) What is it that Mother Marcus has to say?

Will Mother Marcus take David away?

Will Marian spend another lonely night listening for the doorbell?

Or will David come back and ring her chimes?

Tune in tomorrow.

As The Stomach Turns.

(audience applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ ♪ Don't you realize we're living today ♪ ♪ We're happy to say in the good old bad old days ♪ ♪ Taking the breaks and making mistakes ♪ ♪ In the good old bad old ways ♪ ♪ Some people say they long for the old days ♪ ♪ To take them way back when ♪ ♪ I'd sooner stay right here with gold days ♪ ♪ Then go through that again ♪ ♪ Seems to me you're either out or you're in ♪ ♪ You lose or you win ♪ ♪ In these sad old glad old days ♪ ♪ You're poor or you're rich ♪ ♪ Who knows which is which anyway ♪ ♪ Who cares it's mama who pays ♪ ♪ Were living on time we're having to borrow ♪ ♪ No one knows if we will live to see tomorrow ♪ ♪ Nevertheless I guess we gotta confess ♪ ♪ These are the good old bad old days ♪ ♪ ♪ Looking around the world that surrounds me ♪ ♪ I thank good God above ♪ ♪ But I have found the one thing that astounds me ♪ ♪ The world's still full of love ♪ ♪ And I realized come rain or come shine ♪ ♪ They're yours and they're mine ♪ ♪ All these crazy mad old days ♪ ♪ In war or in peace ♪ ♪ They still never cease to amaze ♪ ♪ Oh, they amaze ♪ ♪ There's no in-between ♪ ♪ They'll worship or shoot yah ♪ ♪ Still we have a feeling in the far off future ♪ ♪ Needless to say that they look back at today ♪ ♪ They were good old bad old days ♪ ♪ Market down, prices up ♪ ♪ Gloom hits down, people drop ♪ ♪ Air pollution, traffic crawling ♪ ♪ Taxes rising, budget falling ♪ ♪ (cheering) ♪ ♪ Come rain or come shine ♪ ♪ They're yours or they're mine ♪ ♪ All these crazy, mad old days ♪ ♪ In war or in peace they still never cease to amaze ♪ ♪ There's no in-between ♪ ♪ They'll worship or shoot yah ♪ ♪ Still we have a feeling in the far off future ♪ ♪ People will say when they look back at today ♪ ♪ Those were the good old bad old days ♪ ♪ (audience applauding) (male narrator) Next week, Carol's guests will be William Conrad and Peggy Lee.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started ♪ ♪ And before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Good night.

(jazzy music) ♪