(upbeat music) ♪ (audience applauding) (Carol) Woo!

Welcome, thank you.

(applauding) Thank you, welcome to our show this evening along with Pete Matz and the orchestra.

And Harvey--Thank you.

Harvey Korman, Vicki Lawrence and Tim Conway.

(applauding) We also have, as our guest, the wonderful Mr. Ken Berry.

(audience cheering) Woo!

Turn up the lights.

-Yes?

-The guy that designed your dress is the same guy that designed Cher's-- (Carol) Why don't they look the same, is that what you're gonna ask me?

Pardon me?

(man) No, how come you don't show your belly button?

(Carol) How come I don't show my belly button?

I don't have one, I'm from Mars.

(audience laughing) (audience applauding) -Yes?

-Have you ever had -your kids on the show?

-No, no, I won't put them on the show, even if they would want to go on, which they--I don't think do.

(woman) I just thought the public would be interested in seeing them.

(Carol) Well, let me tell yah.

My old lady didn't have a television show of her own so let them get theirs.

(laughing) Okay, we've got a big show for you so don't go away, we'll be right back.

I'm doing Chuck Berry.

(male announce) From Television City in Hollywood, It's The Carol Burnett Show.

(funky music) ♪ With Harvey Korman.

♪ Vicki Lawrence.

♪ And Tim Conway.

♪ (audience cheering) (rhythmic music) ♪ (audience laughing) Well, that's the biggest waste of time yet.

(laughing) Eh, Mrs. Hergins, could you come in here right now please?

Yes?

Did you want me to come in there right now?

That's right, get in here jiffy quick (mumbles into gibberish).

Okay, but do I need a pencil or paper?

Not unless you're gonna write down the address and how to get here.

No, I don't need directions.

I've been in your office dozens of times.

(Boss) Ugh.

There she is, ladies and gentlemen, the last survivor in the captivity.

The last of the great tribe known as The Speedos.

They used to roam the plains by the thousands but eventually, they slowed themselves to death.

Hark, here comes one now.

Perhaps we'll hear her speak.

(Mrs. Hergins) Ugh.

Ugh.

We're in luck, it's the mating season.

What's the matter with you b--b--beauty?

I don't know, I'm just so tired.

It's all this Christmas hubbub, you know.

(Boss) Christmas?

I got a real Walter Cronkite for you, kid.

Christmas isn't for the nine months yet.

Oh, I know that.

No, it's just that I like to do all of my shopping now.

So that I won't be tired then.

(Boss) That makes a lot of sense.

It's like eating a jar of jelly incase somebody asks you to the peanut butter prom.

(audience cackling) I'm gonna write that little piece of information into my time capsule, that's real good.

Can I go now?

I have presents to wrap.

(Boss) No, you can't go now.

I got a letter here from the insurance company.

It's quite the concern here.

They say that if we don't have a fire safety program for this office that they're gonna raise my insurance rates here.

-So?

-So, well, they're sending an adjuster over here this afternoon and we're gonna run through our fire safety program from him so when he gets here we can show it to him.

(Mrs. Hergins) Show him what, we don't have a fire safety program.

(Boss) I know we don't.

But we're gonna have one now.

I got this thing all worked out, so by golly, those rates won't go any higher than they already have.

All right, now this is a little plan of the office here.

And need your attention so that we can see this plan that it-- (audience laughing) Now the first thing, in the case of a fire, what would you do?

(Mrs. Hergins) I'd leave.

(Boss) I know that you'd leave but where would you leave to?

Well, I--Ow.

(audience laughing) I think I would just jump out of the window and go out onto the fire escape, yeah.

Well, you would, you dummy.

We don't have a fire escape and we're up here on the fifth floor.

If you jump out the window you--you'd... Oh, by golly it's almost worth setting a torch to the whole place.

Don't jump out the window, for crying out loud.

All right, here, I wanted to start this program with this.

Now that's going to be our new fire whistle.

Now if you see a fire anywhere here in the office, you just blow that whistle, like this.

(whistle blowing) Then we'll all know that's a fire and that it's time to get out.

Now try that.

-Now?

-Yes, now.

(air blowing) Ugh, I can't get any sound out of it, Mr. Tudball.

I'm just too tired, it's Christmas and all the hubbub.

Wonderful well, let's hope that it's a small fire.

All right, now look, after you blow the whistle, then you know what you have to do then?

Yeah, I go to the ladies room.

(Boss) Why would you go to the ladies room?

'Cause blowing this whistle makes me dizzy and I think I'm gonna be sick.

(Boss) Geez, you don't go to the ladies room.

The next thing you do is you get down to the floor on all fours.

That's in case there's a lot of smoke and here you're gonna need some oxygen.

And believe me, your brain needs all the oxygen it can get.

And after we get down there on to the floor you crawl through this door and through this door you go out into the hall and down there to the fire escape.

-You got that?

-Yeah, I gotta buy -some mistletoe, you know?

-Wonderful.

Put it in your hair, we'll have an opportunity to kiss a toad.

All right.

I'm gonna run through this fire prevention thing here and let's see how this works, so when that guy gets here, we've got it down to pat.

-You got that?

-Yeah.

(Boss) All right, now.

(whistle blowing) Everybody down, the fire!

(audience laughing) Hey, Bambi.

This guy is gonna be timing this thing with a stopwatch.

Not with a calendar.

(Mrs. Hergins) Can I stand up now?

I'm really getting lightheaded.

(Boss) Sure you are, should be with that head full of helium.

Get in there.

Now look, I want you to study this plan real good so when the guy gets here we've got it down real good.

-You got that?

-Yeah.

(boss) All right, (sighs).

(Mrs. Hergins) ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪ ♪ Jingle all the way, hey!

♪ ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪ ♪ On a one horse open slay ♪ ♪ Hey, jingle...♪ (audience applauding) (Mr. Goodman) Uh, hello, I'm Mr. Goodman from the Dalton Insurance Company.

I have an appointment to see Mr. Tudball.

(Mrs. Hergins) Oh, I have to announce you.

Attention!

A Mr. Dalton from The Goodman Insurance Company is here.

(Boss) All right, thank you very much, send him right in please.

(Mr. Goodman) No, no, no, that's Mr. Goodman from the Dalton Insurance Company, okay, here.

(Mrs. Hergins) No, no, no!

That's Mr. Goodman from The Dalton Insurance Company.

(Boss) That's fine, send him right in here then please.

(Mrs. Hergins) Oh, wait a minute, that doesn't say that, it says Davis.

It's a Mr. Davis from the insurance company.

(Mr. Goodman) No, that's Goodman, dear.

-Davis is the president.

-Oh.

(Boss) That's just fine, send him right in here.

No, no.

That's Goodman, dear.

Mr. Davis is the president.

(Boss) That's fine, send him right in.

So it's Mr. Goodman from The Dalton Insurance Company and it's Mr. Davis who is the president.

(Boss) That's wonderful, send them all in here!

-He says you can all go in.

-Thank you.

(Mrs. Hergins) That's a nice tie you have on.

Where'd you get it?

-Oh, this tie?

-Uh-huh.

(Mr. Goodman) It was a Christmas present.

Oh, couldn't wait to open it, huh?

(audience laughing) -What?

-Oh, never mind.

I'm just too tired to talk.

♪ It came upon the midnight...♪ -Hello, there.

-Good afternoon there, -Mr. Dalton.

-No, I'm Mr. Goodman from The Dalton Insurance Company.

Mr. Davis is the president.

-Ah-ha, good.

-Mr. Winetrob is our controller.

(Boss) Ah-ha.

(Mr. Goodman) Mr. Whitecauf is our sales director.

(Boss) Uh-huh.

Don't suppose you have any comedy insurance down there do you?

(audience laughing) -Right on.

-Right.

Good to collect on that last disaster.

Yes, well, I think we've got real good news for you here in the office.

You see, we've got the new fire safety program in here that I think is gonna keep our rates right where they are right now, at rock bottom.

(Mr. Goodman) Well, as along as we have the proper alarm system and the proper exits I'm sure we can work something out.

Can I see that form I asked you to fill out, because I'd like to check it over.

(Boss) Check it over, there you go.

(crackling) (audience laughing) (Mr. Goodman) Mr. Tudball, is your secretary feeling all right?

(Boss) She just gets a little wiggy around the holiday season.

And that will be fine, Mrs. Hergins.

We're not ready to run through that-- Holy moly!

Everybody down!

Come on, everybody out this way, Mister, follow me.

Come on, I'll take care of you, just follow real close.

Stick real tight on this one, come on, sweetie.

We've got to get the time-- Sorry, you're in the way of the fire escape.

-The fire is out.

-It is?

(Mr. Goodman) Yeah, you can stand up now.

(Boss) Sounded all clear.

(Mr. Goodman) I've never seen people react to an emergency -quite like that before.

-Thank you very much, -we've been rehearsing-- -You know, if I hadn't been here that little fire there could've gotten completely out of control.

(Boss) That doesn't mean you're gonna raise the rates -on that does it?

-No, no, I'm not.

(Boss) Good, see I told you that would work-- (Mr. Goodman) No, I'm cancelling your policy, goodbye.

Oh, by the way.

-Happy New Year.

-Thank you.

(Boss) Nice going!

Now I don't have any insurance at all on this here office here.

(Mrs. Hergins) ♪ You better not cry, you better not pout ♪ (Boss) Oh, shut up!

(energetic music) Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Mr. Ken Berry.

(audience applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ (audience applauding) (dramatic music) ♪ (audience chuckling) (Private) Captain, Captain, I can't.

I can't, I can't go on any longer.

-I can't take anymore, I can't.

-You've got to, you've got to.

-I can't!

-You've got to!

-I can't!

-If you give up out here, death becomes a nightmare.

-What's it like, Captain?

-It's horrible.

-Huh?

-It's horrible.

-Oh.

-The desert heat comes swooping down on you like a relentless demon.

It gouges at you skin and it shrivels your skin and you blister, your eyes pop out.

-Ah!

-You hair falls out!

Your tongue swells to four times its natural size and you just collapse in the sand.

(Private) Oh, oh.

I hate sand in my clothes.

Ah!

-Ugh, I gotta get water.

-Our troops will be here soon.

-Ah.

-Just hang in there, private.

-Hang in there.

-Ah.

Wait a minute!

Hey look, Captain!

Captain, look over here look!

It's an oasis, we got food, water-- (Captain) No, no, no, snap out of it!

(Private) Oh, ugh.

Look at this, look here, all of this, huh?

(Captain) Oh, there's nothing here.

Don't you see?

Ignore it.

It's the desert playing tricks with your eyes!

Ignore it!

This is simply a mirage.

(Private) Are you kidding?

Look at this!

What are you talking about, that's a bar!

There's a bar right there, there's a table-- (Captain) No, no, no, no!

It's not a table!

Don't let the desert get to you, Private.

That's simply a desert rock formation.

(banging) (Private) It's a table, look at it, it's got formica on it and everything.

That's a table.

Look, see?

There's gum under that table.

(Captain) No, no!

-I must be delirious.

-I know you're delirious.

Don't let the desert play tricks on you.

Don't, that is not--that's not what you think you see.

If you give into this, pretty soon you'll start hearing the desert calling to you.

Take it easy.

(waitress) Last call for alcohol!

(audience chuckling) -Did you hear that?

-Did I hear what, Private?

-Last call for alcohol!

-That's impossible.

(Private) Ah, I'm dying out here, the camps are gone.

Look at this, look over here.

What do you call that?

(Captain) Now look, Private, I beg you.

This is strictly a desert phenomena.

This is the desert and the heat driving you crazy with a mirage.

Now I know what you think you see there.

You think you see a beautiful girl, don't you?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, it's not.

-It's just a cactus!

-A cactus?

(laughing) That cactus is really put together.

(waitress) Why thank you!

(Private) Wow, boy!

Excuse me, uh, say, Captain.

-What is it, Private?

-Do you suppose that the legion would approve of a mixed marriage?

-What kind, Private?

-I was thinking -protestant and a cactus.

-No, no!

There is no such thing, please come around, man!

Don't let the desert get to you.

It can drive you crazy.

There's nothing there, come around then, come around.

-Right.

-Relief will be here soon.

(Private) Well, I'm sorry but I guess I won't be seeing you here.

You're just a cactus.

(waitress) Why you!

(Captain) Well, I don't see any activity out there so we'll have to-- Private, you look terrible.

You're worse off than I thought you were.

You better have a capful of water.

No, you better have something to drink.

-What will it be?

-I'll have a Tom Collins.

(Captain) No, no, no!

There's no such thing as Tom Collinses here!

-How about a capful of water.

-Right, okay, fill her up.

(Captain) No, no, just a moment here.

Here, here's a capful right here.

Here you go.

No, don't look away from it!

You can't even stand the sight of it and please, I beg you drink this.

-I'd rather have the Tom-- -There's nothing there -just drink.

-Right, okay.

-That's it, good.

-Mm, that's good.

I'm gonna wash it down with this Tom Collins.

(Captain) There's nothing here, this is sand!

(Private) With a cherry in it?

(Captain) You poor man, you've broken out into a cold sweat.

(Private) I can see that.

(Captain) I can't let you suffer like this.

I'm gonna have to put you out of your misery.

I can't stand to see you like this, Private.

(Private) Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Wait, wait, wait a minute!

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Whoa, whoa, no, wait a minute, no, you're right.

This is all just a mirage.

That's not--that's not a table, that's just rock and that thing with the big heels there, that's just a cactus.

Yeah, it's all a mirage, yeah.

(Captain) I'm glad you snapped out of it, I'm glad you snapped out of it.

-Well, these things happen.

-Relief will be here soon.

-Just hang in there.

-Right, I hope-- -Here's another drink, sir.

-Sh!

Any sign of the regiment yet, Captain?

-Not yet.

-Ah, good, good, good.

Ah, wet the lips, over the gums.

Look out mirage, here I come.

-Hey!

-Vodka!

(waiter) Have you been fooling around with my wife?

(Private) Your wife, I don't--I-- Couldn't we talk about this a little later, I-- (waiter) No, you don't have to.

I can see by the lipstick on your face.

Now you stay away from her or I'll bust your skull!

I'll break you into little pieces and throw you to the vultures!

Do you understand that?

Do you understand that?

(waitress) You want another round?

(Private) Yeah, yeah, I think so.

-You're not driving are you?

-No, no, no, we're walking.

(waitress) Okay.

(Captain) I see them, Private!

I see them!

-Where?

-The troops are out there!

-Where?

-Let's go meet them, come on.

-Here we are, here we are!

-Let me take a look, hold it.

There's no troops out there, sir.

-That's just cactus.

-What, let me see.

-Well, sure.

-That's funny, -they look like our troops.

-No, they're just cactus.

Just like this is a cactus.

(waitress) I thought I told you before, you little pipsqueak, I ain't a cactus!

-Private?

-Huh?

(Captain) Now I'm breaking out in a cold sweat.

-Huh?

-The deserts getting into me.

-Well.

-It's coming.

(Private) Here, sir, I better put you out of your misery.

(Captain) No, no, don't do it--oh!

(multiple gun shots) (audience laughing) (Private) Well, he's gone, honey.

I guess you and I can just sit here and talk for a while.

Say, where are you from?

(energetic music) ♪ (male announcer) Stay tuned for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

♪ And now, back for the second half of The Carol Burnett Show.

Tonight, we salute those great MGM musicals where Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland save the day with nothing more than a smile on their faces, a song in their hearts and a barn in their backyard.

(rhythmic music) ♪ (Spunky) Hey, Pops, Moms!

What...

Pops, Moms!

I sold a song!

I finally sold a song!

Oh!

Yikes, Pops, aren't you happy about it?

(Pop) You bring us A's in geometry and geography if you want to make your mother and me happy.

-No show business!

-Now, now, dear.

Don't take it out on Spunky.

(Spunky) Hey, what... What's going on?

(Pop) The finance company thinks they're entitled to our furniture just because we're behind -a payment or two.

-Guess we're going to have to move out because we can't pay the mortgage.

(sobbing) Oh, well, that's okay, Pops!

You can have my song money.

(Pop) I said no show bizz!

Now don't you fret about it, old sock.

You and I will be making our comeback in vaudeville any day now.

(Mom) Oh, let's face it, sweetheart, we haven't worked in over 20 years.

(Pop) Now listen.

Pops and Flossy McGillicuddy will perform again.

-Oh.

-Yeah, you'll see it.

Hit it.

(Mom) Bum, bum, bum, bum.

♪ If you will be my chick-a-bitty ♪ ♪ I will be your ducky-doo ♪ ♪ If you will be my fuzzy-wuzzy ♪ ♪ I will be your hitchy-coo ♪ ♪ If you will be my pudgy-wudgy and my turtle-urtle-dove ♪ ♪ We'll make lolipopsy poopsy whapsy labsy websy love ♪ ♪ ♪ Ramsey, whamsy love ♪ (audience applauding) (Pop) We haven't lost it!

I tell you, we're as good as we ever were.

(mailman) A letter, Mr. McGillicuddy.

It looks like it's from a New York theatrical agent.

(Pop) Ah, I wrote to our old agent in New York -telling him to book us.

-What does it say?

(Pop) "Get lost, you old has been."

(solemn music) ♪ (Mom) Not too encouraging is it?

(Spunky) Ah, Pops, Pops!

That's okay, I'll take care of yah.

I'll go into show bizz.

(Pop) Oh, no show bizz for you, son.

You belong in school.

I don't want show bizz to kick you around the way it's kicked me around.

Well, we have no choice.

We'll have to pack up and move to the wrong side of the tracks.

I'll get a job as an elevator operator.

(Spunky) Oh, no, Pops!

Not that!

Anything but that!

-Hey, Spunky.

-I got no time for silly small talk now, Dodie.

(audience chuckling) ♪ They say love thy neighbor ♪ ♪ Well, I love my neighbor ♪ ♪ I wish my neighbor loved me ♪ ♪ I don't mean to peak ♪ ♪ But each night of the week ♪ ♪ While he keeps his blind up ♪ ♪ And my eyes always wind up ♪ ♪ In a window of a bedroom ♪ ♪ His bedroom ♪ ♪ At 10:23 ♪ ♪ I can see everything that there is to see ♪ ♪ About the guy next door ♪ ♪ But he can't see me ♪ ♪ Every breath he breathes ♪ ♪ Every step he takes ♪ ♪ Every hair he combs ♪ ♪ Every move he makes ♪ ♪ I've seen every bruise on his dimpled knees ♪ ♪ Every--every polka dot on his BVDs ♪ ♪ And when his chest is bare ♪ ♪ I can count every hair ♪ ♪ He has two ♪ ♪ ♪ I know all the books that he studied for math ♪ ♪ I know how he looks ♪ ♪ In his Saturday bath ♪ ♪ But my dream can't come true ♪ ♪ Till he buys binoculars too ♪ (audience applauding) (Spunky) Aw, come on, fellas!

Why do people have to be so darn mean!

(Dodie) Hey, Spunky, how come you didn't walk me home from school?

(Spunky) I had to stop by the music publishers and play my song for them.

They bought it.

(Dodie) They did!

Gee, you don't sound very happy about it.

(Spunky) Aw, Dodie, they're repossessing all of our furniture and we're being kicked out of our house.

(Dodie) Oh, gosh!

Well, listen, Spunky, you can't let old man gloom get you down.

I mean, when adversity pops its ugly head up, well you just kick him right in the pants.

I know, why don't you play your song for me, huh?

That'll cheer you up!

-Maybe you're right.

-Yeah.

Oh, gosh, a piano on the porch.

Oh, I love it when you play.

Sounds like a whole orchestra.

(Spunky) I know!

♪ I'm old enough to know what a girl is for ♪ ♪ I'm old enough to know what a boy is for ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know about biological genes ♪ ♪ Though we're still in our teens ♪ ♪ We know what a rumble seats for ♪ ♪ I'm old enough to know what your lips are for ♪ ♪ I'm old enough to know what your arms are for ♪ ♪ We've gone beyond the simple ABCs ♪ ♪ We're PhDs in birds and bees ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know it ♪ ♪ I think we always knew it ♪ ♪ We're young enough to do it ♪ ♪ Now ♪ ♪ ♪ And how!

♪ (audience applauding) (Dodie) Hey, Spunky, do you hear that?

Do you hear how happy you make people?

Don't you realize the power you have?

(Spunky) So what, it's not gonna get my folks out of hock.

(Dodie) Well, there are other ways to get people out of hock.

Could you help us, please get his folks out of hock.

-Please?

-Say, I've got an idea!

-Say!

-Let's put on a show!

(cheering) -I'll produce and direct.

-And I'll star.

-Spiffy can juggle.

-Binky can play the juice harp!

-Dede can do the splits!

-Yeah!

(Spunky) We've got enough talents here to set this whole town on its ear.

(Dodie) Oh, Spunky, isn't it wonderful?

I mean, you're gonna produce and direct and be a Broadway--We'll be on Broadway and everything and I'll be your singing star and-- Oh, but hey, right now, kids, we gotta do a show right here in Pleasant Corners!

-Right.

-Oh, how you gonna put on a show the only theater in town has burnt down.

(Spunky) Holy smokes, you're right, Spiffy.

Where can we put on our show?

(mooing) That's it!

Why didn't I think of it before?

The barn is perfect!

(Spiffy) But there aren't any seats and it's full of hay and chickens.

And we haven't got an orchestra-- (Dodie) Spiffy, why don't you just stow it.

(Spunky) How old are you anyway, Spiffy?

-18, so what?

-18, there you see?

You've forgotten what it's like to be young!

You're just like Pops and all the rest of the grownups.

(Dodie) I for one absolutely detest the defeatist We can do it, right gang?

After all we're all yanks!

We can pull this show together, right?

-Right!

-Why, why a paint brush, and a broom and a little elbow grease will do wonders for this place!

(Dodie) Now go get some brooms and we'll start sweeping and go get some fabric and needle and thread and we'll start sewing.

And we've gotta put some seats out here and--Oh, you go clean up the pig pen and you go see if you can get some paint out of Old Man Jenkins.

Oh, boy, now we're cooking with gas.

Oh, boy, we're gonna show those grownups.

We'll show the world.

-Right?

-Right!

♪ Adolescence, prepubescence ♪ ♪ Time to take a bow ♪ ♪ Grown ups, grownups, let's show the grown ups now ♪ ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know how to sing and dance ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know this is our big chance ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know when the lights are lit ♪ ♪ This is it ♪ ♪ A Broadway hit ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know it ♪ ♪ I think we always knew it ♪ ♪ We're young enough to do it ♪ ♪ Now ♪ ♪ ♪ And how!

♪ (applauding) (gleeful shouting) (Dodie) Well, I'm off to round up some lumber.

(Spiffy) Oh, you guys are all nuts.

Where are you gonna get the money to put a show with, Spunky?

(Spunky) Oh, gosh darn it, Spiffy!

You're gonna be an old sad sack for the rest of your life?

Go ahead, back away from every challenge.

Put your tail between your legs and... Where are we gonna get the money?

-How about Dede's daddy?

-Yeah, he's got plenty -of dough!

-That's it, Dede's daddy!

-What about your daddy, Dede?

-Well, I don't think my daddy will back the show.

Unless, I can be the star.

-Well, can you sing, dance?

-No, but I can do the splits!

(Spunky) Good enough, it's a deal!

Now, now, kids, what's our show gonna be about?

(indistinct shouting) Wait a minute, wait, I got it, I got it.

We'll do the history of mankind.

-Hey, that sounds good.

-Only we'll do a swing version.

(cheering) Okay, kids, clean up the barn, start building the sets and Dede and I will start rehearsing.

(in unison) Okay.

(Spunky) Now, Dede, you'll be Cleopatra and I'll be Marc Antony.

(Dodie) Hey, Spunky, what's going on?

(Spunky) Can you take it?

(Dodie) Dish it out.

(Spunky) Dede's gonna star in the show, not you.

(Dodie) That's--That's swell, Spunky.

(Spunky) Oh, you're the top.

Oh, and get those stairs built, pronto!

(Dodie) Right, Boss.

All I have to do is find a hammer.

(Spunky) All right, Dede, you're Cleopatra and I'm Marc Antony, see, oh, that's good, that's very good.

And Marc Antony enters.

♪ Your Roman won't go roaming anymore ♪ (Dodie) I... (dinging) (audience laughing) (Spunky) Heck, Dede, come out the mush.

♪ He's old enough to know ♪ ♪ What a girl is for ♪ ♪ She's old enough to know ♪ ♪ What a boy's for ♪ ♪ They've gone beyond the simple ABCs ♪ ♪ They're PhDs ♪ ♪ In birds and bees ♪ ♪ (applauding) (upbeat music) ♪ Okay, kids, it's almost curtain time.

Hey, get that traveler in and fix that light!

Come on, Lulu.

Now stand up straight and sing out.

You're gonna be fine, you're just gonna be perfect.

Okay, Spiffy, you're on, now for heaven's sakes please smile, all right?

Okay, it's gonna be just great!

And acknowledge the applause, okay?

Okay, you guys, curtain!

Oh!

(uplifting music) ♪ (rhythmic music) ♪ ♪ Reading and writing, arithmetic ♪ ♪ Talking to the tune of a hickory stick ♪ ♪ Don't mean nothing they're passé ♪ ♪ We are just swinging in a brand new way ♪ ♪ ♪ Time to do your homework, baby ♪ ♪ Forget your books and all that jazz ♪ ♪ Three R's, you've got to memorize are rhythm, romance and razzmatazz ♪ ♪ ♪ Now that you're a big girl, baby ♪ ♪ I'm gonna teach you like no one has ♪ ♪ The three R's you simply got to learn are rhythm, romance and razzmatazz ♪ ♪ ♪ The three R's you've simple got to learn ♪ ♪ Are rhythm ♪ ♪ Rhythm ♪ ♪ Romance ♪ ♪ Romance ♪ ♪ Rhythm, romance and razzmatazz ♪ ♪ (audience applauding) (Spunky) Will you listen to that applause?

-Yeah.

-All those nothing little people out there just thanking me for lifting them up.

(Dodie) You were just swell.

(Spunky) Oh, now, Dodie, you're not still sore at me about that little kiss I gave Dede?

(Dodie) Sore, sore, what right have I got to be sore at you, -Mr. McGillicuddy.

-What's going on here?

(Spunky) Pops, I didn't want you to find out about this until after the show was a big hit and we could pay off the mortgage.

(Pop) I have a suspicion something was going on in the barn behind my back!

(Mom) Well, I know I didn't leave all those theater seats in the barn yard.

(Pop) I told you to stay out of show business.

I'm closing the show this minute!

-Oh, no, no, no, you can't!

-You just watch my dust!

I'll tell that audience to get off my property, -I'll call the sheriff!

-No, wait, better yet, why don't you go out there and entertain them?

Sure, sure, all you have to do is just some of your old vaudeville stuff that the two of you used to do, Mr. McGillicuddy.

(Pop) What do you say, Mother?

You wanna strut our stuff again?

(Mom) Gee, I don't know.

I'm awfully rusty.

(Dodie) Hey, Mack, play the McGillicuddy's entrance music.

Go on.

(upbeat music) ♪ If you will be my chick-a-bitty ♪ ♪ I will be your ducky-doo ♪ ♪ If you will be my fuzzy-wuzzy ♪ ♪ I will be your hitchy-coo ♪ ♪ If you will be my pudgy-wudgy ♪ ♪ And my turtle-urtle-dove ♪ ♪ We'll make loliposie poopsy whapsy labsy wasbsy love ♪ ♪ (friend) Wow, did you hear?

Roger Hammerstein is out front.

He's on a stopover on a trip to Paris.

(Spunky) Oh, boy!

Did you hear that, Dodie?

-We're made!

-Yeah.

(Spunky) Well, I am anyway and that's fine with you, isn't it?

(Dodie) It's just keen, Spunky.

I better go get Dede, it's time for her number.

(gasping) Oh!

(Spunky) Hey, what's holding up the parade here?

(Dodie) It's from Dede, can--can you take it?

(Spunky) Dish it out.

(Dodie) "I got terribly bored with your silly old show.

Daddy took me to the Riviera.

Too-da-loo, Dede."

(Spunky) Aw.

And I thought Dede was a straight shooter.

How could she do this to me?

(Dodie) Well, Spunky, she is a blonde.

(audience boos) (Pop) Well, there were a few rough edges but we were still socko.

(Mom) Just like the good old days.

-Drat!

-What's going on here?

(Dodie) Dede walked out on the show.

(Spunky) Yeah, there goes our chance for Broadway.

There goes our chance to make America happy.

There goes our chance to pay off the mortgage.

Unless... (in unison) Dodie can go on in Dede's place.

Me?

Oh, I couldn't, no, I don't even know her number.

(Spunky) It will be a cinch, it will be a cinch I tell yah.

Yeah, there's your opening music!

Now remember, the carry on.

-What do I do?

-The first hitch step is on your left foot, the second hitch step -is on your right foot.

-On the right foot?

(Spunky) Yeah, right, and then you'll march right into the key of C-minor after the second chorus, you got it?

Yeah, and your heart is breaking through out.

-Yeah, you got that?

-Okay.

(Spunky) Okay, now go out there and give them everything you've got!

(Dodie) Oh!

(audience applauding) (Egyptian music) ♪ ♪ I used to be so jolly ♪ ♪ Now I am just melancholy ♪ ♪ Since Tony left to fight a war ♪ ♪ Without my royal idol ♪ ♪ I feel so suicidal ♪ ♪ My Roman just went roaming out the door ♪ ♪ Don't do it, you'll rue it ♪ ♪ Put down that ass ♪ ♪ Marc Antony ♪ ♪ I miss your Nobel Roman thighs, oh, woe is me ♪ ♪ The lovely Queen of Egypt dies ♪ ♪ My heart is filled with sorrow ♪ ♪ How I can I face tomorrow ♪ ♪ With Tony gone my life's a bore ♪ ♪ So, boys, for heaven's sake ♪ ♪ Let Cleo have the stake ♪ ♪ My Roman just went roaming out the ...♪ ♪ Why, Mr. Antony.

♪ ♪ You Roman won't go roaming anymore ♪ ♪ Ouch!

(Dodie) Well, what brings you here, Marc Antony?

(Spunky) Well, I've done a lot of growing up since I left.

And now... ♪ I'm old enough to know what your lips are for ♪ I didn't kiss Dede, Dede kissed me.

(Dodie) Hmf!

♪ I'm old enough to know what your arms are for ♪ -I hated it, bleh!

-Really?

You--you mean, it was all a misunderstanding?

-Absolutely.

-Oh, Spunky!

♪ We've gone beyond the simple ABCs ♪ ♪ We're PhDs ♪ ♪ In birds and bees ♪ ♪ ♪ We're old enough to know it ♪ ♪ I think we always knew it ♪ ♪ And young enough to do it now ♪ ♪ ♪ and how!

♪ (audience applauding) Thank you.

♪ I'm so glad we had this time together ♪ ♪ Just to have a laugh or sing a song ♪ ♪ Seems we just get started and before you know it ♪ ♪ Comes the time we have to say so long ♪ Good night.

(upbeat theme song) ♪ (male announcer) Dede was played by Toni Kaye and Spiffy was played by Burl Johns.

The preceding program was recorded before a live audience.

This is your wacko announcer speaking.

Do I have to say wacko?

♪